The Punnishment

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Wise/Good/Cool Quotes I found

"Shall i pretend I'm interested or are you OK just rambling?"
(effective on shutting the person up and funny)

"Trying is the first step toward failure."
-Homer Simpson


"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on."
-Name withheld


Accept the things you cannot change,
change the things you cannot accept.


"Knowledge is power. Power corrupts."


What's the key to success? Two words: good decisions.
What's the key to good decisions? One word: experience.
how do i get experience? Two words: bad decisions.


No single raindrop believes it is responsible for the flood.


Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
- Dilbert


"Whoever said that nothing's impossible never tried to nail jello to a tree."
-Lisa Bryant


"The best part of 'believe' is the 'lie'."


"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."


"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. "

"We hate some persons because we do not know them; and we will not know them because we hate them."

"You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."

"Your medical assistance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death."
- Iowa Department of Human Services


"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for HIS country." General George S. Patton


Really, I'm not out to destroy Microsoft. That will just be a completely unintentional side effect. -Linus Torvalds

Those who do not read are no better than those who cannot.
Chinese proverb

Never EVER play leapfrog with a unicorn!


"Porn is the most accurate representation of what sex is not like, what your girlfriend won't do, and how you're not built."


Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them.
- Hugh Miller

Software engineer and his wife

Software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

Windows Sinhala Version :)

File = Pile

Save = Beragannda

Save as = Mehema Beragannda

Save all = Okkoma Beragannda

Find = Hoyanda

Find Again = Ayeth Hoyanda

Move = Aying Karanda

Mail = Thapal

Mailer = Piyum Mahaththaya

Zoom in = Loku Karanda

Zoom out = Podi Karanda

Replace = Meka aran araka danda

Run = Duwanda

Execute = Maranda

Print = Achchu Gahanda

Print Preview = Achchu Gahanda isserella balanda

Cut = Kottanda

Copy = Pitapath Karanda

Paste = Alawanda

Paste Special = vishesha alaweema

Delete = Nathi karanda

View = Balanda

Send = Yawanda

Shutdown = Oka wahala danda

Tools = Badu

Toolbar = Badu thabaruma

Spreadsheet = Redda Digaarinda

Database = Pettagama

Exit = Maaruweema

Compress = Mirikanda

Click = Obanda

Scrollbar = Lissana polla

Next = Eelangata

Previous = Kalin eka

Recycle Bin = Kunubakkiya

Click, hold and drag = Obala allagena adinda

Double click = Depaarak ebima

Do you want to Delete the selected item ? = Thorapu baduwa kunubakkiyata danda onada ?

Restore = Kunu baldiyen aapahu ganda

Empty Recycle bin = Kunu baldiya Hiskaranna

Do you want to move the selected item? = Thorapu baduwa ehe mehe karanda onada?

Do you want to save changes you made? =Meka beraganda oneda ?

Abort, Retry, Ignore = Nathara,Navatha,Ganang Noganna

Yes, No, Cancel = Ow, Ne, Be

Access denied = Kohomawath be !

Unrecoverable error = Beranda bari ledak !

Illegal operation = Neethivirodi sathkamak !

Explorer = Rasthiyadu karaya

Windows is shutting down = Junnel wahandai yanne !

There is a virus = Mala keliyai, wisabeejayak !

Fatal error = Keliya Huta !

U.S. inventes a machine that catches thieves

In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves;
they took it out to different countries for a test.



In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;



In UK , in 30 minutes it caught 50 thieves;



Spain , in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;




Ghana, in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves;

Sri Lanka , in 15 minutes

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The machine was stolen. :)

Woman's Way Vs Man's Way

Woman's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Mans Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

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Womans Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Mans Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato, keep it in the fridge for up to a year.

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Woman's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Mans Way: Go to the bakery, They'll even decorate it for you.

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Woman's Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix.

Mans way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Go to McDonalds

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Woman's Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Mans Way: Celery? Never heard of it.

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Woman's Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Mans Way: The frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

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Woman's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Mans Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

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Woman's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Mans Way: Go ask that cute babe next door if she can open it for you.

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Woman's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Mans Way: Leftover wine???????????

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Things you don't want to hear during surgery....

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

Accident insurance claim form statements

• "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
• "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
• "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
• "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
• "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
• "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
• "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
• "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
• "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
• "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
• "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
• "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
• "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
• "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
• "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
• "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
• "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
• "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."
• "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
• "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
• "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
• "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
• "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
• "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
• "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
• "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
• "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
• "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
• "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
• "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
• "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

THE BEST OF THE WORST

THE WORST HIJACKING

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage.
'Take me to Detroit,' he demanded.
'We're already going to Detroit,' she replied.
'Oh ... good,' he said, and sat down again.
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THE WORST BANK ROBBERY

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke.. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.
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THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE

During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had trapped up a tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it!!
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LAWYERS Vs INSURANCE

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the 'fires.'

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Reasons for ComplanisReasons for Complains

A couple came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife gave a listing of every problem they had.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, blah, blah, blah and blah...

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?

A Letter from Banta Singh (a guy from India) to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,



We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.



1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.


2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.


3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.


4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Mi crosoft sentence', so when you will provide that?


5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will ovide the remaining items?


6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that ?


7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.


8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?


9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.





Regards,

Banta





PS: Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:


Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

:wub: 1900 :wub:

Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,

"Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,

"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife,

"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Law Joke

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."